Redefining My Goal

Wow, it's been like two years ago since I wrote anything in my blog. I somehow lost my motivation to write in the past couple of years since I felt like I didn't have any fascinating topic to write about. I regained my motivation back during this semester when I had to write a bunch of experiment reports, and I spent hours and hours writing them and eventually realized that my writing skill sucks. I decided to hone this particular writing skill by reactivating my blog. If you feel that the articles may benefit you, then go, read them.  But if you think that it is just nonsense for you, then leave it. It means the articles were written and meant to be a self-reflection of my future self for what I've been through.

And okay, let's get back to the topic, redefining my goal. The last time I wrote anything for my blog was before I came to Japan. Honestly, after getting accepted into Tohoku University and granted the MEXT scholarship, I felt like I was half done achieving my goals. I worked my ass off really hard during the last year of my school as I desperately wanted to study abroad. And finally, after getting accepted into 3 universities overseas, I thought I could get myself more leisure time to enjoy my life, and I did. I thought I had just made a tremendous achievement that I had never done in my life. And I ended up overly rewarding myself by not working hard enough in the first two years of my university life.

Most of my first year was filled with many parties (we, the Indonesian student who study here, often held our own party.  It's not the typical party that most people here do. I mean like drinking party, dance party, etc. It's more like a food party, where we cook together and eat a humongous amount of food to the point that we can't eat anymore), food experimenting, traveling around Sendai, enjoying the Japanese experience as a newcomer, and so on. In the second year, I felt no significant improvement in myself. I often asked myself what I had learned. And ended up with no answer. I mean, I got to know engineering stuff, but I feel like the pieces of information just pass through my head without me understanding the big picture. I am afraid that I am studying just for the sake of taking exams rather than for the knowledge itself. I am worried that I can't benefit society from what I've learned. The list goes on and on.

This accumulation of guilty feelings leaves me puzzled and disoriented. At this rate, I'll never make it on top. This summer holiday, I sat down on the Hirose river bank. This is the place where I seek tranquility. I questioned myself what kind of goals I should set that could drive me to unleash my potential. I always said that I wanted to study in the USA to pursue my master's degree. But that seems pretty hard from a viewpoint where I am standing now. From what I know, as a result of roaming a bit in Quora, to get accepted in MIT, Standford, and alike, You have to get a good grade, experience many projects, gain enough engineering skills and publish at least one paper.  I only get one year to prepare for everything, and it seems a bit not feasible. Should I give up on this?

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